I have spent my life on stonesJuly 22, 2009 at 6:46 pm | Posted in writing | 23 Comments
Tags: love, writing
(“What would motivate a man who has been through literal hell, who has lost badly in the romance game and decided long ago he won’t play again–what would make this man decide to love a woman?” Sharon Gerlich)
I’m not sure that you need a motivation to fall in love, as though it were a choice. I think it just happens. When I was younger, I experienced love as gratitude. Gratitude for the sex, yes, but also for the comfort and the momentary release from the otherwise constant feelings of inadequacy which modern life produces and reinforces in a man. But my objectives in life were all about myself and my own success. Love was an escape and a relief.
Now I am older and I have discovered that all the great goals of my life, money, fame, respect, were all as ephemeral as dust. Everything I wanted for myself became meaningless as soon as at it was in my hands and life was a permanently incomplete chain of ambitions. Until I fell in love again.
By providing a purpose outside of myself, my love for her gives meaning to both the struggle and the attainments. Without her my life would still be a jumble of stones and digging of holes. With her I am constructing castles and developing gardens. In giving my effort to her, I retain it. My strengths are given purpose and my weaknesses have reasons and I look to her as others look to God, as the only available redemption.