a childish conceit
May 29, 2008 at 6:42 pm | Posted in poetry, writing | 12 CommentsTags: conceit, poetry, writing
on the exu express heading west,
tai chi, drunken master style, says F.,
squatting beside me and scratching the sand with a dry twig,
it’s a fucking desert out here man,
play something long and cold, this old coat Takeshi gave me,
rollicking one night round some wild bend heh whatever happened to the old man with the fingernails, always eating that steamed fish and noodles? tickets! fuck here comes the conductor again, i’m out of here,
tell Bootsy he still owes me for that last tattoo
she’s a real beauty, a mexican cutie,
choo choo, toodledoo,
and picked up his hat,
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This is what was known in the olden days in literary jargon, as a Conceit, as defined by the allknowing Wiki.
Comment by Paul— May 29, 2008 #
You’re too clever Paul! This is great. It has a rollicking rhythm that really works. Love the last line.
Comment by Simonne— May 29, 2008 #
i agree with simonne. my favorite parts are the most playful ones like the rhyme in the line that’s 3rd up from the bottom and the silly sounds in the line just under that.
Comment by lissa— May 30, 2008 #
…always on the run. Love this.
Comment by Tina— May 30, 2008 #
My system crashed but I am back again, nice little train ride, crap! I don’t have tickets either! It was that Geisha girl who brushed against me, I’ve been mugged!
Comment by Fabian G. Franklin— May 30, 2008 #
in my view, not so much a conceit as very nearly perfect…
oh and “whatever happened to the old man with the fingernails, always eating that steamed fish and noodles?”
heard he was unwilling to accept as true the premises of a work of fiction and was summarily dismissed from his duties as a food critic…
Comment by Chico Mahalo— May 30, 2008 #
hello… nothin like a psychedelic train ride called conceit.. checked out the link, thank you… that’s a whole day’s worth of contemplating new material… heading west is always a good thing… could this be a didee sung by whaz his name the margarita guy…
Comment by pieceofpie— May 30, 2008 #
A world unto itself, far away, a place that might be dangerous, yet I’d go there anyway.
Comment by mariacristina— May 30, 2008 #
heh, tickets! choo choo, hat,
myriads in a thimble poem
Comment by writer reading— May 30, 2008 #
steaming along, unrelenting. I think it’s interesting that you get such a lilt to the dialogue without resorting to clichés of ‘get outta here’ to make your point – I’m amazed that you get away with dialogue at all considering that it’s not even in “,”‘s (ha!) but you do! Love the flippancy at the end… excellent.
Comment by Mary P— May 30, 2008 #
great rhythm in this, really drives it along…
Comment by Crafty Green Poet— May 30, 2008 #
Oh yes, I agree with everybody especially with the person who said “Acknowledge Your Sources!” Its a real beauty, a mexican cutie is indeed a line from Jimmy Buffet, the same tune which appears in my earlier piece introducing the exu theme but I am too lazy to go get a link. oh well, thanks for all the warm encouragement, i only post the pieces so i can read the comments, haha, hello,
Comment by Paul— May 30, 2008 #